Working as an escort has taught me more about life than any other job - Part 2

But then I thought, so what? I had financial goals to hit! Who cares if I'm angry and bitter all the time. I am still making money like never before and it is the best feeling! You have to make sacrifices to be successful, right? So sacrifice is what I did. Like a pack animal I trudged along ignoring my needs, boundaries, and peace for two and a half months until… the inevitable happened. The dreaded crash of burnout. I crashed and burned for a week in my apartment watching Netflix and all the while wired with anxiety. “What do I do with myself now?” I thought. I was placing all of my energy into this new found career that made everything in the world seem possible for once, what was wrong with that? But sitting alone on my couch without the excitement of my new life distracting me, the dark thoughts resurfaced.

“Is this all I have in life?”

“You are weak, alone and selfish.”

“Who am I?”

The thoughts gnawed at me and planted little seeds of shame and self hatred around mind. I didn’t have friends to go out with, a hobby to enjoy, or any general interest in anything outside of sex work. I cared about no one and wanted no one to care about me. My head reeled with these self sabotaging ideas, making work that much more appealing. Then once the boredom became almost unbearable four or five days later, I would throw myself back into work at full speed. Proving my fear wrong that if I stopped working I would lose my magic touch. As I rode out my days giddy with success from another month, those same negative feelings returned.

The bitterness, the minuscule patience with clients, the constant drinking, the pathetically sparse eating habits, the constant go-go-go mentality. It was all again slowing me down. The feelings a little stronger and sharper each time. It was like a soft bruise getting kicked again before it could heal. So just like the month before, I collapsed in burnout all over again. I was using the excitement of my new career to distract me from older problems that I never acknowledged, because nothing in my life ever seemed worth caring about. Sex work gave me something to cherish, but it also created a flimsy facade of arrogance mistaken for confidence that was dwindling away.

I was miserable because I did not know how to love or take care of myself. Hell I didn’t even think it was my responsibility to gain control over my life, or that it was even a big deal. My sudden success gave me a taste of pride and responsibility that I did not want to throw away. I realized that if I failed, it was by my doing.